In Noctem

Six days ago, I woke up at 7:30 a.m. to pick up my graduation photos. I hadn't seen them since September, as I'd chosen to focus on actually making the photos reality. I knew they were going to be photoshopped, but I didn't know to what extent.

The first photo is much more noticeably altered than the second one. Thankfully, I still look like myself. Some of my classmates and friends are dealing with photos that look absolutely nothing like them, and as we're expected to attach these photos to our resumes.

My mother e-mailed last night asking me if I was planning on pursuing further studies in Toronto. I took a look at the continuing education programs at the University of Toronto and Ryerson this morning, and while some of the classes are appealing (Ryerson's Publishing Certificate sounds lovely), I don't know if I'm up for another two or three years of school.

I'll definitely be working as soon as I can find a job, and I really want to finish M&M Conundrum, revise it and start sending it out to agents before November. Half of me wants to take a break from all things academic, seeing as it hasn't exactly been working out very well lately. The other half is terrified that if I let this opportunity pass, then I may have an even more difficult time starting my career.

I'm lucky in that I have the option to take a break in between graduation and working. Actually, I might not even have a choice, as finding a job is not as easy as it sounds. It took my parents five months to find work in Toronto and that was with decades of experience. As much as I may dread buckling down and joining the real world, I know for sure that I don't want to have the uncertainty of unemployment looming over my head forever.

Growing up is a strange experiment in keeping one's sanity. All the things that you never concerned yourself with as a child now cloud your brain and keep you awake at night. The morning was undesirable enough when all you had to think about was school, but now there are errands to run and appointments to make and people to interact with on a daily basis. There are decisions to be made that burn bridges and end parts of our lives, and the scariest thing is that we have no one to blame but ourselves.

I read dystopian fiction and it freaks me out a little bit how sometimes, I see the appeal of having things chosen for you by someone else. In the middle of all this uncertainty, I can understand why Jonas' friends and family in The Giver could enjoy not having to think for themselves, having their careers chosen for them and fitting them perfectly. I think of Matched and the way everyone is secure in their lives. In my darkest hours, sometimes I wish I could feel that surety, whether or not it's from my own choices or someone else's.

If I only knew how complicated being an adult would be, I would never have wished for it so much as a kid.

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Countdowns:

5 days to social theology immersion.

17 days to the Fine Arts Festival Book Launch.

23 days to the thesis presentation.

37 days to final exams.

75 days to my flight back to Toronto.