It's the first day of the year. I woke up no less than six times last night, a sick clenching in my stomach from the thought of the next three months. I bought a planner yesterday so that I could feel just a little sense of control over the 90 days that loom ahead of me, but I shake a little bit every time I see it. Bottom line? I'm scared out of my wits.
It's only hitting me now that this is it. The last 90 days of my education, where everything is on the line. Graduation is on March 26. My return flight to Canada is scheduled for April 1. Whether I like it or not, the next two months are going to make my life.
Part of me knows I can do it. I've hurdled scarier things before, not the least of which was a linguistic/cultural barrier that reduced me to tears more times in one week than I've ever had in my life before then. I find it telling that I created a survival playlist in October last year--last year, that's such a weird thing to say now. I once heard a quote that said something like "my favorite songs express my emotions better than I ever could," and this playlist exemplifies that right now. It's my state of mind in 25 songs.
I'm trying to remember what Mom tells me every time I get stressed out or panicky: just take it one thing at a time and pretty soon, it's all over and done with. I don't plan on having any resolutions for this year except to remember that. I'm a strong person. I'm smart, I'm resourceful, I'm creative. I have faith in God and in myself. I will do my best with the time I've been given and the gifts that God's blessed me with. There's a reason I'm the way I am right now at this very moment. It's not because of coincidence or chance. The experiences I've had came together to make me the person I am, and I'm not going to let myself give up on that, no matter how hard things get.
"One day I'll be 30, one day I'll be fine. One day I'll make fun of this dramatic life of mine. One day I'll be older, and then I'll write a book about the choices that I made and the chances that I took." Ten years ago, I wondered what it would be like to be 22 years old. I couldn't imagine it. Now I'm here, and 30 isn't that far away. But if I can just remember to take it one day at a time, and give each day my best, maybe it won't be so bad. "I can't be afraid, cause it's my turn to be brave."
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